Running from Silence

For years I tried to mask the negative thoughts that I have been left with after my past and my adoption. Rationally, I know that my feelings are justified and are valid and I shouldn’t feel guilty or wrong for having them. I feel guilty because adoption is such a fantastic thing, as I have been given a second chance at a life with a family that genuinely loves and cares for me. I have an amazing family that has been able to provide me with everything I needed and more, my family are my rock. One of the negative thoughts or feelings that I experience is the fear of losing those around me.

My youngest memories of this, are the dreams that I used to have. I would have terrible dreams over and over that people would come through my front door, in a convertible, and try and steal my parents. I can remember the dream as if it were a film I’ve watched a hundred times. I hated it, and the dreams would always terrify me.
Growing up I lived in a small rural village, so if there were any cars, you would always hear the sound of the car driving past. I would have a recurring nightmare, which began with that sound. It probably sounds ridiculous to anyone else reading, but I would hear that noise in my dream and be so scared to turn around. Once I found the courage to look around, I would see ‘aliens’ on my sister’s bed, and they would taunt me about taking her away. This dream, in particular, was awful, and I had it repeatedly for years. When I grew older, the dreams would get progressively darker.

I remember always having the feeling of someone being outside my house or my room when I went to bed. I would panic that there were people there when sensibly, I knew that was not true at all. I remember asking my dad if he was outside walking in the garden because I thought I’d heard a noise. It’s complicated to talk about without sounding completely crazy. When I’m going about my daily life, and I’m busy, or when I was younger, when I was at school or with friends, these thoughts are not present at all. During the day, for the most part, my girls keep me so busy that I don’t have the opportunity to have time to myself which has been somewhat of a blessing.

The mind seems to have a funny way of dealing with trauma and emotions that we try to hide. No matter how much I would attempt to portray the image of coping, every night when I go to bed and silence kicks in I am unable to escape my thoughts and dreams. I used to feel like I was going mad sometimes because my mind just refused to switch off. Even now, I hate silence; I always have to have music, or Youtube in the background because I can’t stand allowing the silence to come and my thoughts to take over. The best way to describe the feeling would be if you had a browser open with multiple tabs and having them all running at once and the moment life around me stops they all take over. Part of the reason for starting my blog was to be able to write about my feelings and thoughts when these moments occur as a way to help process them.

It can feel very overwhelming and sometimes quite scary to appear unable to control the negative thoughts that come into your head. It makes me angry that 20 years after being adopted I am still finding difficulty in processing my emotions about it. Then again, what else is to be expected, its the same as any traumatic event that takes part in a child’s life. It will no doubt leave wounds, leaving scars that will never fade. I will not ever be able to know what happened in the first two years of my life (I have a blog post ‘The Unknown’ which talks a bit more in-depth about this) but unfortunately I will never be able to escape what it leaves behind when the silence takes over.

 

5 Facts about me

 

Cows are my favourite animal.

I am not too sure where my love and obsession for cows came from, but I think that they are the beautiful animals in the world. For my 18th birthday, my parents got me an amazing cake in the shape of a Simmental cow. It was so beautifully made I almost didn’t want to cut the cake open. When my daughter, Gabriella was born one of the local farms named a cow ‘Gabz’ after her because they knew how much I loved cows. I’m sure you will have heard of crazy cat ladies, well I’m the crazy cow lady.

My favourite place is Westendorf, in Austria.

I could write a whole post on why I love Westendorf so much, which I might even do one day. It holds such a special place in my heart because it is where I spent many of my family holidays. My dad and I both share a love for Westendorf, and when we are there, we go on walks just the two of us. These walks are some of my most treasured memories. Westendorf is my happy place and where I feel most myself, and whenever I am having a down day, I visualise being in the mountains, and I instantly feel better. I love how freeing it is to walk in the mountains, with no one around but my dad and I and I can’t wait to go back one day with Gabriella and Ava.

I am extremely impatient

One of my traits that I have passed down to Gabriella and Ava is my impatience. Everyone that knows me would agree that I have absolutely no patience. I hate waiting, I can’t stand having to ask people multiple times to do things, and it frustrates me when people dilly-dally. As much as I probably annoy those around me with how impatient I am I like to see it as I am driven. Both my daughters are extremely inpatient too which has made me appreciate how annoying it can be for others but then again, I tell myself that they are assertive and that I am creating strong females who know what they want.

I can’t stand birds

I completely understand that having a fear of birds is entirely irrational, but I just can’t seem to get over it. For as long as I can remember I have always had nightmares, actual nightmares about birds. Even when taking my daughters to the lake to feed the ducks I end up getting so panicky when the birds come close. I try to justify it to myself because birds don’t have facial expressions and I don’t like the idea that you can’t tell what they are thinking (I know it sounds crazy). I’m sure there is a deep-rooted explanation hidden somewhere in my past, but when I was younger, I remember helping my dad hand feed the pigeons, and going to bird shows, so I’m not sure where the fear comes from.

I will talk to anyone

I got this fact from my friend who suggested this, and it is very accurate. When I was younger, my mum would always warn me to be careful because I would talk to everyone. My parents say that on the flight home with me from Romania I kept turning round to the seats behind me to try and chat and smile to a group of young men in the seats behind. They probably should have guessed then that I loved to talk. Whether someone is old, or young, male or female, I will talk to them. One of the great things about my blogging journey so far is all of the amazing people that I have been able to connect with and get to know. I often am told that I am very easy to chat to which is lovely. I think this is because I take everyone at face value and rarely listen to the opinions of others.